Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Booth Cracks

Look at my crack nuggets...

Anyone who has kids and dines at kid-friendly restaurants has seen something like this before, and quite probably even more grotesque. The fact that the chairs are usually greasy and dirty and the bottoms of the tables might have boogers stuck to them is bad enough, but the booths are the worst. Booths seem more cozy and comfortable, right? WRONG. They have cracks that kill. Or at least they would if you stuck your fingers in there and then licked them. Aside from more harmless items like crayons, you would find weeks-old crumbs, maybe some fries, or some type of sauce. Maybe if you are seated after some really clever child, you would find that the crack has some baby carrots squirreled away with the ranch dip licked off first. Bonus veggies.

I also can't even believe that the management of establishments with this clientele sitting in booths don't seem to have any idea this is going on. If they did, wouldn't they make sure someone cleaned them? I mean, it isn't a fun or easy job, but surely there is a way... If you are the entrepreneurial type looking for the million dollar idea, then you can steal mine, which is some type of booth crack cleaner. It might just be a special attachment like those on most residential vacuums, but you have to enhance it in some way, not the least of which is a really clever name that means you can charge more for it. Crack Buster. Suck That Crack. Clean Crack. Crack Wand. You get the picture and you are welcome.

Or maybe they could just get creative and use the tools already at hand. Like scraping the cracks out with the rod that makes up the center of this tower of doughnuts (actually on the menu). Because nothing says coronary like having a burger, bottomless fries, a milkshake, and then sharing 8 donuts with your family of four...

Friday, December 23, 2016

Tummy Tucks

If you think that all you want for Christmas is to go under the knife for a flat stomach, I encourage you to think again. And no, this is not advice I give from personal experience, but please read on...

I have my opinions about plastic surgery in general (which you know if you have read this previous post), and I have some personal experience watching women I love torture themselves in the name of chasing "youthful" looks. I do get it - how hard it is to look in the mirror and not see YOU anymore. It is also hard to realize how little you appreciated how you looked many years ago, when you looked really great but still thought you needed to look better. I have a theory that, especially for women, aging is this ridiculous and twisted game we all play. We all strive to look like the magazines from the time we are teenagers, but we are never good enough. Then as we get older, we know there is more and more distance between us and the "ideal" and it gets really depressing. You might even realize at some point in the past you actually had IT, but you didn't know it at the time and now it is too late. So it is the endless chase, and the longer you go after it, you get even further away.

If you are a man, you don't get to play this game quite as well as the ladies. Your deepening forehead wrinkles show experience and are sexy. Your growing belly is just fine so long as you also have some biceps, maybe a nice tan, and great eyes with a nice smile. Bonus if your eye wrinkles become pronounced when you flash that smile. If you are smart and funny, and you have a job, you are golden. And unlike women, once you have had babies your body does not change (biologically). You don't have stretch marks, a semi-prolapsed or torn-but-sewn-back-together private area, or a jagged scar from having life cut out of you. So, because you had babies, you become no less marketable to some future someone (other than your child support problem).

It really comes as no surprise that a lot of women decide to have their tummies tucked (not always because of childbirth, but I think that is pretty common). I especially noticed this on a recent tropical vacation at a family resort where there were lots of women who, obviously, had children. (Nobody but a nut-job would go to a family resort like this if they don't have kids with them.) I was shocked at the number of 40+ year-old women (the bikini ones) who had obviously had their tummy tucked. These are the sure signs:

  1. You otherwise have age-appropriate skin that has become a little slack in all the areas that would be expected of a woman your age, yet your abdominal skin is taut like a teenager's.
  2. You have a few lumps and bumps in places (you are not under 10% body fat), yet your abdomen is like a table top, even when you sit down. (OK, when you sit down it maybe looks a little bit like when you stretch plastic wrap over a bowl of macaroni salad for the summer pot-luck, but you get it).
  3. Finally, you have a bizarre-looking, teeny-tiny, almost anus-like navel. No actual belly button looks like that. No one could have been sustained by an umbilical cord that left such a pinhole-esque scar. Seriously.
If you are someone who has had one, and you think I am being a jealous hater - well OK. Would I love a flat stomach? Sure. But would I want to walk around with some weird little third eye on my belly that is creepy as heck? Nope. And really, this is what is true of all plastic surgery. There are "benefits" but they come at a price (and I don't mean money, though there is that insanity also). There is always something that will look out of place... unnatural. And you probably don't care what I think, and that is fine. I don't need anyone to care what I think. I just want anyone to think about why they would do that to themselves. And if it is because you think you need to look better, I promise you, you do not. If you spent half as much time just being you and enjoying it, you wouldn't need to care how you look. Pro-tip: People aren't noticing you or thinking about how you look even 5% as often as you tell yourself they are. It just doesn't matter. And if it does, then you need new people.

Thursday, December 8, 2016


On a recent day, I was driving my kids to school because it was raining pretty hard. I got to the first major intersection, which requires a left turn. There is always a long line of cars waiting to do this, and today, there was a fancy sports car and a school bus in front of me. As you can imagine, the school bus takes a while since they have to be really careful. It was packed full of kids.

Then I hear some honking and realize the driver in front of me is honking at the school bus and gesticulating, apparently not pleased with the caution being exercised on the left turn when he had somewhere to be. Yes, this sports car hero had a tantrum behind the wheel as the curious children looked out the back window. I simply said to my own kids, "Wow, check out that jerk."

Somehow, the bus and the sports car and I make it through that cycle of the light and proceed to the long backup, which is common, on the next street. Well, you guessed it, guy with tiny-car-means-big-penis is right on the bumper of the school bus, with more gesticulating and honking. I am wondering what is so important that he needs to get to, and clearly why he has never gone this way before. Anyone who drives this route at 8:30 in the morning knows it will be like this.

I silently hoped for the school bus driver to just stop in the road for a few minutes to make this guy go totally out of his mind. Alternately, I hoped he would accidentally step on the gas and not the brake and end up underneath the back of the school bus in that wee little vehicle. But, none of those things happened and eventually he survived the apparently inhumane torture of queuing behind a school bus.

Chill out, people. Nothing you have to do is that important. And if you don't believe me, then you are wrong.

Monday, November 14, 2016

5 Stages of Grief

Here they are:
1) Denial
2) Anger
3) Bargaining
4) Depression
5) Acceptance

It is often said that if people don't get proper help while at a particular stage of grief, they can become stuck there. Well, I didn't realize until today that I have been stuck in denial since November 8, 2016, and I only realized it because I moved on to step 2 and it hit me like an earthquake. The trigger of this earthquake was finding out an hour in advance that local middle and high schools were planning walkouts to protest the election results. This comes on the heels of six straight nights of protests downtown, all of which ended in violence, arrests, and property damage. I am so angry.

Sure, I am angry at the people who voted us into this situation. But you know what? What's done is done, and those who voted had their rights. Now we all have to live with whatever those consequences are, thanks ever so much. But, I am really sad that I have to eat my words that I tried to soothe people with the day after the election, "Maybe in a very twisted way it is better that Trump won because we will be more civil and mature about the loss and will be better equipped to move forward." #wrong

I simply do not, and never will, understand protesting. If you have met people, you know there are always bad apples who will ruin anything intended to be peaceful or productive. It just doesn't work. And not even in a progressive town like Portland. How dare you damage our city, block our streets, and keep our valuable first responder resources tied up in your mess? It is stupid and will not change anything. If you are doing it because you need an outlet as a coping strategy for your grief, well you are stressing the fuck out of the rest of us so please find a way to cope in private. Start a blog or something.

What are you teaching our kids? All the person-hours spent wandering about and chanting and whatnot, when there are lots of organizations who could have desperately used your volunteer hours to make an actual difference for something? All the money spent on police in riot gear to chaperone you when the city already doesn't have enough money pay for other critical infrastructure and services? And now our kids are staging walkouts from school, which is the only stable thing many children have in their lives, because they saw you on the news but haven't lived long enough to know that none of these public tantrums are going to reverse what has transpired or make it any better?

America, you are so seriously annoying right now. On so many levels.

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Make America Hate Again

If you haven't ditched social media yet, I bet you want to now.

Now is the time, don't be shy.